Adoption Bloggers Interview - Meet Katelyn from My Angels from God

November 17, 2011 -- I am very excited to participating again this year in the Adoption Bloggers Interview Project. It is such a great opportunity to meet wonderful people who have been touched in some way by adoption. This year I was lucky to be paired up with Katelyn from My Angels from God. I had never read Katelyn's blog before so it was a special treat to get to know this very special person. Katelyn is a birthmom, adoptive mom, and biological mom. Wow!

Katelyn placed her beautiful daughter, Ally for adoption in May of 2007. Little did she know the little boy, Cayden who would one day become her son, was born just three weeks before Ally. She later met and married Cayden's dad and adopted Cayden who is now 4 1/2 years old. Seven months ago, Katelyn gave birth to her youngest son, Jaxson.

In the interview below Katelyn talks about her experience as a birthmom and adoptive mom.

Can you share a little about your story as a birthmother?

I found out I was pregnant very early. In fact the first pregnancy test I took was negative. 2 weeks later it was positive. The birth father was LESS than supportive when it came to the pregnancy. His first response was that I should get an abortion. I was enraged. Then after I decided adoption was the right choice he stated "I'm never going to allow you to give away my child.". I was furious! Because he was active duty military and currently stationed over seas he had to sign either acknowledgement papers or relinquishment papers. I was nervous that he wouldn't but after a lot of fasting and prayer I knew he'd sign (with a little push from me). He did sign. Being pregnant with Ally was the most emotional experience of my life. There were days I would cry over the smallest things. I got nasty emails and phone calls from Branden and his family numerous times. I moved part way through my pregnancy to draper ut (I lived in layton ut so about 45 minutes away) because I felt like I couldn't be "free" in the community my mother and family was raised in.

How did you find the adoptive parents you placed your daughter with? What did you look for in potential parents for your daughter?

I met with a case worker at LDSFS when I was just 6 weeks pregnant. I talked with her and knew that I needed to come up with a list of things that I would want in an adoptive couple. It could range from very personal things to strictly physical things. I left the agency with the determination that I was going to imagine up the most PERFECT people in the world. That way when I didn't find their profile I would still parent. Here is the list that I came up with:
 
The father: needed to be taller than 5'11" but couldn't be shorter than 6'4", needed to have brown hair brownish-green eyes(that is the color Branden had), needed to have served a mission, needed to have at least a 4 year degree, needed to weigh between 150-200 pounds (that's right I even went to weight), needed to hold a calling in the church, needed to be from utah, needed to like doing things outdoors, needed to like horses, needed to have at least one brother of his own.

The mother: needed to be taller than 5'4" but shorter than 5'8", needed to have blonde hair, needed to have blue eyes, needed to be fair to olive complextion, needed to weigh between 140-160 pounds, needed to have served a mission, needed to have at least a 4 year degree, needed to be willing to be a stay at home mom, needed to be from utah, needed to like doing things outdoors, needed to like horses, needed to like scrapbooking, needed to know how to sew, needed to have at least one sister of her own.

I also didn't want them to have any other children. I wanted this to be their first, I wanted this to be special for them.

You have an open adoption with your daughter and her adoptive parents. What does that look like?

I have an open adoption in the fact that the communication is open and her family allows me to visit on occasion. Honestly over the years the "openness" has changed. For the first year I saw Ally and her family about every other month (if not more). It was perfect for me. I needed that time with the family to heal from the pain of placement. I had my first visit with Ally on May 23, just over a week after I placed. We had originally planned that the first visit would be some time in June but I was going through withdraws. Not baby withdraws but family withdraws. Now I get emails when Lori has time (they have now adopted 2 more children since adopting Ally so they are a family of 7) and I visit them in their home about 2 times a year. Once around Ally's birthday (May) and once around Christmas. I know the adoption will continue to develop in openness and I'm fine with that. Ally know's I'm her birth mom and she grew in my belly. I will only be part of her life as long as she (and her family) wants me to be.

What have been the biggest rewards and biggest challenges of an open adoption?

The biggest reward has actually come with regards to Cayden. His adoption is semi-closed because his birth mother made some poor choices regarding Cayden that were very harmful to him. He has serious emotional trama when he thought about his birth mother (he still does). After one visit with Ally Cayden realized that having a birth mother isn't always a bad thing. He realized that a birth mother can love you and not hurt you. Ally and her mom Lori played a HUGE part in that realization for him. The only challenge I have ever had with regards to open adoption is fearing I'll say or do something wrong (that hasn't happened with Ally and her family but with Cayden's birth mother and I fear I'll say something like she has). I NEVER want to cause Ally and her family any stress or pain.

You are both a birth mother and adoptive mother. How has being a birthmother helped you as an adoptive mother?

Because my adoption isn't the classic from birth adoption I don't know that it's helped me as an adoptive mother. Sometimes I actually feel like it's hurt me as an adoptive mother. For the longest time I put aside feelings that I should close Cayden's adoption because I understood what his birth mother felt. Had I realized that it was a different situation sooner rather than later I could have saved Cayden a lot of pain. But sometimes when I think about it I have a better understanding for how difficult being an adoptive mother is. Dealing with a birth mother can be stressful. I think after becoming Cayden's mother I have realized I can't ask for as much from Lori. She has a lot going on and I don't need to add to the stress of that.

What one piece of advice would you give to an expectant mother considering adoption? What advice would you give potential adoptive parents?
 
Think first about what your baby needs. No mater what decision you make it's going to be hard. Parenting is hard for you... Placement is also hard for you... But the thing you need to remember is that it shouldn't be hard for your baby.

Patience is a virtue... I wasn't blessed with it... God may be attempting to teach to it to you... Learn quickly my friends. HA! but no seriously every baby has a home. It may take time for the baby to come to your family. And there may be times where you feel the baby is right... it has to happen on the lords time. Every baby has a family.

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Thank Katelyn for taking the time to share a little piece of you life with us! I've enjoyed learning more about you and look forward to following your blog in the future.

Make sure to head over to Production, Not Reproduction to read more interviews with great adoption bloggers. Also make sure to visit Katelyn's blog, My Angels from God.